A SHORT TASTE AND READING FROM MY NEW BOOK COMING OUT SOON

WHY me WHY now WHY?

Have you every wondered why me,why now,why?

Today I am asking the Why question with a huge sigh.

I am not laughing today you see I feel so sad,

So unusual as I usually know how to be glad.

Let me share my story

It's been over two weeks now since I had felt well or had slept properly. It all began after a visit to the beach. After eating breakfast and thinking what am I going to do with today I decided to go to one of my favourite places at Papamoa. I am a naturist and the beach there is wonderful. I packed my picnic as usual, tuna, salad and fresh fruit a Kiwi fruit this time. I made up a flash of my decaffinated coffee and task completed, I was ready to go. On reflection I didn't feel my best that morning I was tired. My M.E. ( a condition I have had for over twenty years ) was probably telling me to rest and I ignored it. I thought come on Sue let's go on an adventure. I know I was feeling quiet lonely and that's why I pushed myself to go out although deep down I was undecided wether I would actually get to the beach. I had a few shops to go to first and thought I would make my final decision after these jobs were completed. My shopping done I approached the crossroads. It passed through my mind to go home and rest  and I brushed that aside. Then I thought how about going to see a friend and at the last minute I went straight on as the lights changed to green. So the beach it was. 

It was a very windy day and parking the car I decided no sun unreleased today as I knew the wind was too strong. I took my new beach blanket which I had just bought. It had a waterproof bottom and lovely coloured towelling on the top. This was to keep the sand from me as I sunbathed. I took my picnic bag and locking the car walked up the boardwalk to the sea. What a fantastic sight the sea was and hardly a soul in sight. I soon settled just by the sandunes which sheltered me from the wind. I could still see the sea and the waves which were really big, were breaking and creating white tips as they rolled away and then a calm was restored until the next one came. I was soon lying down on my cover and it was heaven feeling the sun kissing my body. I took a few deep breaths and floated away into that special place where nothing mattered, I was so content.

A little while later something made me stir, I sat up and looked around. A man was watching me. I reallyfelt very unnerved and lay down again, pretending to go to sleep. I watched the man through as he walked along the beach and then turn round and come back behind where I was lying. I was scared. I knew 🐝he was up to no good and so I moved my things and sat on the beach thankful to see a few other naturists about. I walked down to the sea and had a swim. I felt like I needed to clean myself, odd very odd indeed. Anyway after a few minutes I decided I wanted to go home. I was really upset inside. It brought back memories of when I was a child and a man had tried to make me go with him. I started itching. I went to my clothes got my towel and dried myself. After getting dressed I collected my things together and went back to my car. I was so relieved to be going home. 

At home I had my dinner and after only an hour I went to bed. It was very early. I woke at ten o'clock itching all over. I have been itching ever since. 

Conclusion

I have been to the doctors four times, been seen by  three different doctors. I have been told it's an allergy of some kind. They will never know and so I have had Creams, three types of tablets and bathing lotions have been used. I am now on antibiotics for spots that have been infected by my scratching. I am so low. The itching continues as I try and get some sleep only to be woken up with the itching.

I believe although I have no evidence to prove this, that the allergic reaction and the weeks of misery I have suffered was a direct result of reliving the emotions I had keep buried. The reaction triggered to the unresolved emotional trauma I experienced as a child has been awful. I believe the incident at the beach triggered off a deep fear which I have carried with me. 

I have spent the last two weeks grieving the loss of so much of my childhood. I was robbed of my innocence in my childhood years. By realising this and releasing all of the pent up emotions including and especially my fear, anger and guilt I feel a relief. I believe these  negative emotionals which I have had without knowing for so many decades were causing me untold pain. I am finally going to put them to rest. 

I am still not right although it is beginning to settle. There are some very deep scars that are still weeping. I am now accepting and loving myself through this very painful journey both physically and phycologically. I am healing myself with love. 

I am free to enjoy the moment free from past irrational fears and guilt. As an adult I can take care of my very neglected inner child's needs. My attitude to life is changed forever. I choose love.